Who the Hell Plans These Things?

As if I needed more justification to stay inside this fall and be an achievement whore on Xbox Live, Epitaph recently announced a fall tour with Every Time I Die and Bring Me the Horizon.

Bring Me the Horizon? Pleeeeeeeease. Bring me the fucking aspirin.

No longer interested in drawing a large crowd who enjoys the music of the entire bill, Epitaph probably assumed that co-headlining two very different bands (different in that one sucks and one doesn't) would draw a more diverse audience. I'm sure every 15 year-old American who hasn't heard BMTH will be all over that merch stand after their first breakdown.

In case you were wondering, I fucking hate Bring Me the Horizon. Honestly, I've attempted to listen to them almost every day for the past three months. I haven't felt anything - besides an upset stomach and that unmistakable "I really have to brush my teeth" feeling. Their music should be categorized under "Sonic ADHD." I get through about a minute and a half of
"Chelsea Smile," and then I forget what I was doing. What was I even just talking about?

Here's what I expect their live show will consist of:

1. A lot of dissonant breakdowns.
2. A lot of palm-muted breakdowns.
3. Outrageous amounts of china cymbal.
4. Shitty acrylic drumset.
5. This guy telling me to have a good time.

and finally
6. Me wishing I was actually watching Gallows.

Speaking of Gallows, I withdraw my previous statement that Gallows being on Warped tour was a good thing. I assumed the publicity would be good for them. Turns out, all it did was turn a lot of kids who were there for The Maine into number-one-Gallows-super-fans. What's their one single called, again? Lol.

I like Gallows, and I don't like you. Therefore, you can't possibly like Gallows. It's math. Also, they're not too fond of you, either.

"We hate you." - Gallows ("London is the Reason")

I digress. I'm excited that ETID signed to an arguably better label in Epitaph, and I understand Epitaph is trying to package two of its groups together, but hell, I'd rather see ETID and New Found Glory than Bring Me the Horizon. It'd probably be a better match, too. Kids who have never heard NFG would get that treat, and it would save me an aneurysm.

Don't get me wrong. I'm going to go to this show. It'll be interesting to see who ETID has beating the skins nowadays and, further, to hear some of their new tracks live.

Besides, I have a feeling that shitty bands will continue to tour alongside decent, hard-working bands until there are none of the latter left. Then, every record label will converge into one shitty record label where every band sounds like every other shitty band. Then the skies will rain fire, and we'll all be wishing that we actually cared about what the so-called "music" we had been shoveling into our aural canals for our entire lives.

Until then, we'll keep giving Grammys to U2, Coldplay will still be considered "ethereal" and "artsy," and Poison the Well will play club shows for the rest of their days.

Friends don't let friends listen to crap.