The end of summer marks perhaps the most depressing time for the musical faithful out there. Warped Tour will soon come to a close, and with it, the outdoor shows permitted with brisk weather will go, too. Fear not, for this fall Musician's Friend, along with a slew of other corporate sponsors, will be presenting another year of the Thrash and Burn tour -but don't clasp that studded belt quite yet. The tour may seem like it's metal, br00tal, and all those other things the kids are into these days, but looks can be deceiving, and in the case of this tour, looks can be plain stupid. Here are 8 reasons not to attend the Trash and Burn Tour 09.
1. The logo.
Boy, they really went all out on this logo. I bet whoever designed this logo was sitting there in his cubicle with his Metallica shirt, wearing altogether too many black wristbands, and giggling at how fucking metal a skeletal demon skewing a melting skeletal demon with a guitar is. Also, everything has to be on fire. The only thing that could possibly make this more metal is more brutal endorsements. Like so:
2. They've booked shows at House of Blues.
That's right, the tour has booked at least two shows at the House of Blues, a Clear Channel Communications run event chain. Because nothing says debauchery like Clear Channel. Better tuck in your chain wallet before you get into these shows.
3. Thrash and Burn?
What about this tour makes it thrash? I bet Testament are just wetting their pants listening to all these palm-muted, half-time breakdowns. I understand the play on the phrase crash and burn, but I don't think the creators of this tour realize the irony of calling a shitty tour something similar to crash and burn. Bon voyage, SS Thrash and Burn.
4. Devil Driver.
Back when I was in 7th grade, I remember thinking bands that had matching camouflage shorts and long hair were heavy. Essentially, asking Devil Driver to headline a huge tour like this is like asking a seven year old boy on a plane to take over for the pilot. Sure, he'll be pleased as punch to do it, but that doesn't reconcile the fact that you've just killed a lot of innocent lives.
5. Emmure.
Emmure have released a new album every year since 2006, which goes to show why their music is so incredibly inept. The Respect Issue (Victory 08) just might be the blandest of the bland that I've ever heard in my life - like, asking every sales associate at Home Depot which shade of beige is the superior shade to buy bland. I believe the guitarists would need a compass and a sufficient map of the stars to navigate off the first three frets.
6. Despised Icon.
After listening to a mere five seconds of a Despised Icon song, I legitimately was overwhelmed with motion sickness, and not the motion sickness that you receive during the adrenaline rush on a roller coaster, but rather the motion sickness I assume one gets when descending from the stratosphere without a parachute after eating his own weight in Moon Pies.
7. My Children My Bride.
This is one of those bands that thinks it's acceptable to repeat the same four times for a verse as long as you harmonize the last two times. I can only imagine their amazing dual solo riffs are better played with fingerless gloves.
8. Veil of Maya.
This band's songwriting style is built entirely around breakdowns. Without them, their songs would be left to perish in a cyclone of awkward riffs and downright sub-par screaming.
Note: Just because I did not include every band listed on the tour does not mean they are of substantial anything. Having never listened to them, I can already guess that the criticism applied to the bands above can easily be transposed to these bands that will more than likely get 40 minutes to sound check for Devil Driver.
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