The Worst Songs of 2009 (So Far)

Summer is halfway through, and therefore, the year is over halfway through. Thusly, I've decided to present to you the worst songs of 2009, so far. The following tracks have haunted me on the radio in the shower, in the car (when I've forgotten a CD), at the mall or other public places, and in my worst of dreams.

There's not really an order here, because let's be honest, they're all abysmal. Just consider this not so much a list, but more of a melting pot of suck. Also, I refuse to link to the band's MySpace, Youtube, etc. because that would be selling these songs, and I don't want to put you through that.

Buckcherry - "Rescue Me" - Black Butterfly (Eleven Seven 09)
Buckcherry is honestly the closest I've come to finding God via a radio-rock song. Seriously, if I were a 30+ year old soccer mom, driving to work every morning at 7am, I would be sufficiently encouraged to have a fucking great day by Josh Todd and his rough-and-tumble vocal stylings and affinity for fur. But I'm not, and thus I am allowed to realize that the only thing separating this song from the rest of Buckcherry's discography is the year pasted next to it. Here's to another album with 7 singles on it.
(<-- Is he serious?)


Green Day - "Know Your Enemy" - 21st Century Breakdown (Reprise 09)
The year is 2004, and pop-punk-rock legends Green Day just released their rock opera American Idiot to mixed reviews and general frustration from hardcore fans. Flash forward a couple years:
- add an off stage vocalist and on stage, but clearly playing in a relegated position, guitarist
- throw in a dash of Billy Joe Armstrong is too good to play his own guitar parts
- mix in the fact that 95% of the words in this song (including the ridiculous sounding "wah heys") rhyme with "enemy" and
- add vocals that sound as if they're being mumbled through a high school gymnasium loudspeaker...
and you've got Green Day's latest smash hit. Their ultimate failing here is that they thought that releasing a song where they only play three chords would make them punk rock again. Nope.

U2 - "Get On Your Boots" - No Line on the Horizon (Def Jam 09)
This song is probably about war, anti-war, anti-poverty, anti-drugs, anti-racism, and anti-eating-a-large-meal-before-swimming, but I really could care less. Bono chants "I don't wanna talk about the wars between the nations." He's more than likely being ironic. Get it?! He doesn't wanna talk about it? But he is in this song? God, he's clever. Essentially, Bono could've eaten the rest of his band, literally, and you wouldn't even be able to tell by listening to this song. He layers his vocals about 174 times behind a redundant, synthed up bass line that Trent Reznor could've written in his sleep, repetitive guitar hits, and virtually non-existent acoustic drums. The only reason this is even playing on the radio is because of the name attached to it. Next song.

Godsmack - "Whiskey Hangover" - Currently untitled, set for release 2010.
Although the album isn't set to release for another year, the band released this single before they set out on tour. I guess they were trying to build momentum before their string of summer shows. I'm not sure what kind of momentum they expect to build with a song that sounds like every other single they've released. I especially enjoy the bridge of the song when frontman Sully Erna tells his tales of drinking and how many shots he can take before he does the craziest shit. Who knew radio-rock could be hardcore? All you have to do is sing about drinking, and other adult things, like taxes and electric bills. They used to be kind of badass - like, you'd look legitimately badass walking down the halls of your middle school in a Godsmack shirt. But I've grown up; you've grown up, and let's hope that, sooner or later, Godsmack will grow up, too.

Motley Crue - "White Trash Circus" - The Saints of Los Angeles (Motley 08)
I have a feeling that if Motley Crue wrote a song any faster than 150 BPM, Mick Mars would blow his pacemaker, Vince Neil would sweat himself into a coma, Tommy Lee would break his wrists, and Nikki Sixx would make 78 more shitty side-projects. Neil croons "We're the white trash circus, don't give a damn. We'll steal your girl whenever we can." Yeah, good luck with that.


Considering the fact that I had to willfully listen to that U2 noise twice through in order to write that review, I'm cutting myself off. There you have it. The worst of the worst so far in '09. Let's hope it gets better.